Many of us have a habit of “excepting” ourselves. A close cousin of “shoulding”, this happens when we think we accept who we are, when in fact we’re praising our favorite parts while beating up on aspects of ourselves we wish would go away, causing a major crack in self-acceptance:

I am happy with who I am except for my extra weight. It makes want to socialize less so people won’t see how unattractive I look.  

I know I’m a good parent except for missing the signs of my child’s disability early on. He’s behind in school and it’s all my fault because I didn’t manage my own overwhelm.

I believe I’m successful except I haven’t accomplished as much as others my age. I have imposter syndrome and nobody knows I feel like a fraud.

I respect myself except when I’m stress eating out of anxiety and depression. Then I can’t stand myself for being so undisciplined.

So, how to stop the self-flagellation when there are also legitimate things we wish to improve in life? There’s nothing wrong with seeing what’s not working or unhealthy for us. Striving for improvement is fine. But we cannot change something we’ve shunned away or disowned. When we pick favorites with parts of ourselves, sustainable change eludes us. It is like putting a Band-Aid where stitches are needed--we will still bleed.

But how do we accept our perceived “unacceptable” parts?

Get curious. Is that part of you currently being put through the ringer actually unacceptable by definition…the same way immorality might be considered objectionable, for example? Likely, not.

Dig further. Is it conceivable the part you’re rejecting is actually an aspect of you that feels vulnerable, despairing, woeful or in need of a safe person or activity to find comfort? If so, those parts certainly don’t deserve harsh treatment.

Give yourself an “A”. No, not because you’re perfect but because we are all worthy of an A for Acceptance in this human experience which is often messy.  When we drop the narrative that we’re “bad”, we can finally see what needs stitching up.

Maybe instead of berating ourselves because we couldn’t do it all, came up short or life just happened, we can instead cut ourselves a break . Or we can offer compassion to the sadness we stuff down that suffocates our tears. If all else fails, just remember you’re a person and not a machine. Give yourself grace for being a human for it is the doorway to true self-acceptance.