Halloween is around the corner and ghost costumes abound.

There is irony in how eager we are to emulate a faint image from the unseen world, given that so much of our suffering traces back to the pain of not being seen:

“He doesn’t see how hard I’m trying, it’s like I don’t exist”

“She doesn’t see all my sacrifices, I must not matter to her”

“They don’t see my side of the story, I’ll never be understood”

“I was a middle child, so nobody ever saw me”

“She only sees what she wants to see, so I give up”

Sound familiar?

We pour so much energy into getting others to see us. Some do it loudly and aggressively while others passively please to get the goods.  It can show up as grand gestures or even by cutting people off to get their attention. Marriages, friendships and business partnerships have started and ended based on being seen or unseen. We’re elated one second and suffering the next on the see-saw of life where people are unpredictable and can’t always show up for us.

So why does it hurt so much to feel invisible? Perhaps as a child we were not seen or heard when we needed it the most. A healthy mirror from our caretaker is a lifeline to safety and self-worth. Without this, the pain can take the form of a life-long mission of getting acknowledged at any costs.

Unfortunately, many of the wound-fueled efforts to become visible brings about suffering. We may unconsciously lie, manipulate, cheat and even steal to be seen. Or we may simply be in a chronic state of self-doubt due to not seeing ourselves clearly. We can feel empty, useless and not inhabit our gifts because they remain hidden to our own sight.

Looking back I see that my own grasping, demanding, and anger at others to acknowledge me was my ego desperately searching for a mirror. Since I had not yet made contact with my Wisest Self,  I couldn’t see myself for who I was. I looked to the outside world to tell me whether I was good, bad, right or wrong. I sought out feedback to confirm whether I was kind, helpful and smart enough. When this didn’t materialize I felt invisible, much like the ghost.

As I shed the costume of ego through a dedicated effort to getting to know all the various parts of me, I was able to validate myself and required less attestation from others over time. I even saw more clearly how others struggle with shedding their costumes covering up who they really are. Getting to see ourselves clearly is synonymous with being willing to look at all of the different pieces of who we are, and not just seeing from the slice of awareness containing our old conditioning and wounding.

A big paradox of my childhood was the deliberate shrinking and shapeshifting I did out of a desire to be seen as good and gain confirmation of my worth. It was a ghost costume of my own making that helped me cope for a time. Now costume free, I am liberated from the weight of hiding and see others so much more clearly, and with compassion.